Without a blink from intense attention

He used to go everywhere carrying his small knife, without anyone knowing its secret, for it was for him — despite its bad reputation — an open option and a lifeline. This was after he secretly learned to tie a noose in his room, learning how to make a hangman’s knot on the very day his mother taught him how to tie a tie! He would hang a noose in his room and surrender for a few seconds, hanging in his room before he would take out his knife and fight for life, then finally cut the rope standing on his feet, eager to breathe. After each time, he valued his life more and felt that he was living "by his choice." Until that night came when he went up to his room angry, locked the door after a fight with his mother. Then, out of fear for him, she hid his knife without him knowing, thinking he might hurt himself with it.